i'm searching for the button on my body that says, "restore to factory settings".

i'm listening to the beatles for the first time. i mean, sitting down and actually listening to them. i finally understand.

it turns out i can't donate an egg to theresa. because i am thalassemia minor (a blood disease), i am excluded from the list of qualifications every egg doner must have. i read the email stating that was excluded from theresa and just started crying. i'm upset because it's not fair to her that we tried so hard to convince the psychiatrist that i'm mature enough to make this decision and she already bought my plane ticket. i leave next wednesday and brit will be coming with me. we return sunday morning. i'm also upset that i can't make my documentary now. i was really excited about it but parts of me knew something would prevent it from happening. and, of course, i won't be getting paid which means i won't have the money to buy the '82 white volkswagen rabbit i saw before i came to denton after spring break. it was an adorable little convertible with a nice sound system. 5 speed. my little white rabbit. and this also means i will have to get a job this summer but i can do that no problem. i just won't be able to make as much as i would donation my eggs.

in other news, my mom called me to ask what i was doing july 14th. "well, that's brit's birthday."
"oh, well, something very important is happening on that day,"
"like what?"
"george michael is performing at the toyota center and i want you to go with me!"
"oh my god! of course!"
she's been a fan of george michael since wham! first appeared and has never seen him live. i'm glad i get to share this experience with her.

mom and brian gave david a drug test and he failed. i think this is the most disappointed i've ever been in him. i don't care if he smokes pot but failing a drug test when you're on probation for arson? that's just incredible. he still sneaks out of the house late at night when by law his curfew is 7pm. he makes me so mad but there's no convincing him to act otherwise.

i finally finished all of the unt's next top model pictures. tomorrow is the big show. should be a good time.

she took five steps towards mom the other day. :)

thank you gatorade. and powerade. and ozarka water.

i ate half a sandwich today and went to wal*mart. let me tell you, those were two major accomplishments. i've also done some laundry and got a check in the mail from UPC for doing the next top model stuff. what a relief. i think i might actually go to a friend's house tonight to play video games. i really do appreciate my health and hope i don't get sick like this again.

i leave tomorrow for denton and i'm worried for many reasons. the car ride, the arrival, the night, and the week following. i have to keep a level head and a clear conscience and just be as selfless as possible. my life, for the most part, is quite nice. i'm satisfied with what i have and now it's time to help her... even if that means letting her go.

hey you, listen to daft punk's "something about us". it's perfect.

*edi* i don't know why the picture is all squished. click on it to view it in it's original cuteness.

last night at around 1 am i felt really sick and started throwing up/other nasty stuff at brit's house. i was sick all night and had to get up like every 10-20 minutes to take care of things. it's been 24 hours since it all started and i still feel awful. luckily i haven't thrown up in about 12 hours. i don't remember ever being this sick before. mom said i must've caught what her and the rest of my family had last week. i want to be in a hospital bed with ivs in my arm hydrating me because i can barely drink my giant bottles of water or powerade. oyster crackers are so fucking good but i can only eat like 3 every 20 minutes or so. brian said that when he had it he didn't eat for 2 days. looks like i'm going to be losing some weight.

i kinda want to die. brit is going to come over and take care of me tomorrow since mom doesn't have any more vacation time left. i love her so much.

wish me well.

my mother's best friend, theresa, can no longer have children. because she wants another child very badly, i will be donating one of my eggs to her.

i have like 8 billion things to say about this. ready? ok.

so yes, it's very admirable that i'm doing this for another person who isn't as fortunate as me, but a lot of other benefits are going to come from this. i've decided to make a documentary about my experience and egg donation in general. brit is going to be my main camera lady which should be fun. i'll be flying to san francisco the first weekend in april to have my junk looked at and get a psychiatric evaluation. i also will be compensated handsomely for this, which is nice. i almost cried happy tears on the phone with theresa today because she said, "...god! i'm so excited! talking to you so much lately has really made me believe that this is going to happen and i'm so thankful for all of this. i can't wait."
it's so sad that she can't have a child on her own now that she's married. she has a daughter who's 13 now but wants a child with her husband. although the child won't be genetically related to her, theresa will still be carrying the baby in her womb and giving birth to it. i'm excited for her, i'm excited about helping her and getting paid, and i'm VERY excited about the documentary. i'm looking for cameras and a cheap boom to start filming. ebay seems like a good idea but i might buy a brand new camera. depends on how good my paychecks from subway start looking.
i know i'm young. i know i'm a freshman in college who can barely wake up before 1pm. but i'm serious about art, about my future, and this is a rare opportunity to make something possibly phenomenal. my film teacher from high school is encouraging me to take it as seriously as possible. "you might be able to go to sundance, alizsha. you've got the talent. you just have to buckle down and take this seriously."
it's exciting to think about the possibilities but i don't want to get too far ahead of myself. i'm planning out everything i can and researching documentary-making. i've got a few docs to watch over spring break.

oh and i'm home right now.

mom should be slowly opening my door in about 5 hours to place my baby sister in my arms so i can lay with her for a few moments before mom goes to work and emily goes to the babysitter's. the love i have for my emisaurus is incomparable to anything my heart has ever known. i think she touches the lives and tugs on the heart strings of every person, stranger and relative alike, that she encounters. i'll be sure to put a few cute pictures up by the end of next week.

my passion for creating is back and i can't wait to make something incredible. really i just want my mom to like it. she's the hardest to please and impress.

finally, a point in my life where i could stop this cyclone and say, "i'm doing quite well, thank you. and how are you?" it's nice.

you know what's not fun? doing a whole bunch of shit for one person only to realize that you didn't do the one thing that would make them happy. what a fucking slap in the face.

you're welcome.

tropical citrus vitamin water rules my existence.

day 1 of no lover. i'm quite lonely and i have all day saturday and the better part of sunday to go. but really, a break is necessary. not using my vocal cords as much has been relaxing and i got some cleaning done. i have plenty of homework/job work to keep me busy tomorrow but tonight i guess i'm going out.

i miss my MOM. god.

i love deftones.

i have about eighteen things i should be working on right now; for school and for things that will enhance my living experience. but my desk has become a junk table and the area around my desk is slightly worse. i'm an artist! i work in clutter! but no. i'm a little ocd as well.

my brother isn't going to jail! he has twelve months of very strict probation though. though i foresee him fucking this up as well, i'm glad he's not in tyc right now. apparently they treat kids like fucking terrorists there. david is an idiot and needs to get his priorities in order but i'm not sure of texas youth correctional center would make him better or worse. i could see him coming out of the shit hole with homemade tattoos and a skewed sense of reality. poor thing.

my attempts at living somewhere besides my parents' house in houston have failed. i called clare for advice but i always know what i'm going to do subconsciously... i just call her to bitch for a while until the realization bubbles up to the front of my brain. i am upset, but i know this will all be more lucrative for me. i'll work my ass off all summer and take some community college classes to get useless credits out of the way and i'll be home to see emily grow. she gets more beautiful every time i see her. and even though you can't tell if a kid is going to be left or right-handed until they're about two, she seems to use her left more. that makes me happy because it's either an indicator that she's going to be very creative... or very weird. which can sometimes work together and be very awesome. she's only 10 months old. what the hell am i talking about.

i actually cried when i said goodbye to my mom this weekend. well, i cried in brit's bathroom after her and emily left. it was mom's fault. she said, "i miss you", "miss me when i was little" (she looked at emily when she said it), "no, i miss YOU. i miss you being around." and then later, right before she left, she took me into the kitchen since everyone else was in the garage yelling about a fucking football game, "i just wanted to come in here. it's too loud out there" "yeah i know, i can't take much more of it" "yeah. well, i just wanted to tell you that i'm really proud of you. and i love you"

she never tells me she's proud of me. i feel like i have to work so hard to impress her... and i'm finally doing that. she hugged me and emily was balanced on her hip so it was like a group hug. emily does this thing now where she cocks her head to the side, lays it on your chest, and smiles really big. sort of like she's going, "awww". so i walked them out, walked right back in, went to the bathroom, and cried for a short time. it's hard. and i hope that living at home this summer doesn't make it harder.

i took over a two hour nap today... that's not a good thing. so much to do.

i find that laughter is coming easier lately. and happiness in general really. i'm getting excited for other people's achievements and good days and feel like everyone else is having a really good year so far as well. january will be over tomorrow which is strange but also comforting. 2 weeks until valentine's day :). i don't ever really get excited about it even when i'm with someone because it doesn't go how i want it to or how we planned it to. marlie's alarm clock keeps going off... it's ruining my happy-colored aura. but anyway... i'm thinking that we're going to buy something to cook here in the dorm's kitchenette, exchange gifts (you better get me something), and just watch a movie or something. i'd like to go out to eat. that's a possibility as well. i have a feeling i'm getting a job this semester after all.
i leave tomorrow morning for houston. for mom and baby. and a new mattress! sweet! though school has been stressful i've been excelling in all of my classes. i'm working my ass off this semester and it's really paying off.
i think i'll nap now.

oh, and i'm very perplexed at the moment. there will always be things in my life that i don't understand but this one is just like, "whaaaaa??"
but to you i say:
"whatever makes you happy, whatever you want
you're so very special, i wish i was special..."

AND! i'm really grateful right now. like, if i could stand volunteering at all... i'd do it. but i hate volunteering. that's why when i'm rich i'm going to donate to charities to make up for all the community service i didn't do. :D

honey bee is sleeping.

ok. so mechanical animals by marilyn manson was his best album and i feel weird listening to it because it's sophomore year all over again but WHATEVER. I LOVE HIM. i want him to come to the GLAD meetings and hang out with me. "you were automatic, as hollow as the O in God" hahaha how can you not adore that?

so i love how when i'm finally taken, the girl i've been talking to for the past few months is hanging all over me. "come sit on my lap alizsha! let's take pictures together!" gag a maggot on a puke wagon. my dad used to say that all the time, and i have just recently figured out its meaning. it's rather disgusting.

i've been thinking about my dad a lot lately. i saw a man's sweater at jc penny today that reminded me of him so i felt its fabric and wanted to cry. i squeezed it in my palm and just wanted to be 6 again when he use to pull me up on his lap to watch tv with him. he was a great father up until the last 2 years i lived with him. he taught me long division in 4th grade. he taught me how to use water colors in 5th. he brought me home surprise guinea pigs one day. and an iguana. he bought me my first tv for my room. he used to introduce me to his friends as his, "beautiful daughter alizsha. this kid is fucking smart. she makes me feel dumb all the time." i hated it then, but i appreciate it now. i sent him a graduation announcement in may. my grandma said he received it but didn't have much to say about it. the man he was living with at the time said, "larry you sure got a pretty daughter." i saw his brother, rusty, over christmas break when i was in kentucky. i hadn't seen him in almost 7 years. apparently he lent my dad a lot of money after my parents got divorced and tried to help him cope with that and drug addiction. he told me that one time he said, "larry, you've got to pull yourself together. you have kids." his response was, "my kids are grown up now."

i don't want to be one of those kids that use the absence of a parent as a crutch, but i cope with this everyday. some days, like this one, it just seems to get worse. he's done so many horrible things; mostly to himself. i was never a daddy's girl. but i miss my daddy.

new year's resolutions:
get all a's (spring and fall semester)
do everything that is good for me, even if i don't want to do it
find out where dad is staying and send him letters and pictures
make more art

i have a giiirrrlllfrrriiiieeennndddd :D

so so happy right now. i took an amazing shower, had the rest of my chicken ranch sandwich from chili's, a dr pepper, played mario 3, and am now checking all my internet stuff. i tried oxygen for the first time at kush tonight. wow, overrated. i didn't feel anything except my nose drying out. the passionfruit hookah was delicious though.

jennifer, marlie, brit, and i have decided to live together in the fall. we're looking at houses and GOD i'm excited. we went and looked at one yesterday that was really adorable but too small. i can't wait to have my own room again with pictures up that i want and a place for all of MY stuff. and a kitchen! i want to get cookbooks and everything. as far as furniture goes, i'm pretty sure between the four of us we could gather things from friends and family. i mean, we all have beds from home and the other furniture that was in our old bedrooms so i don't think that will be a problem. i JUST realized that since we've decided to get a house, brit can bring her drum kit! that excites me beyond belief. and she's taking a piano class this semester so holy-fucking-shit we can make MUSIC! gah. i really want to play some acoustic stuff with tess playing violin. i think that could possibly be phenomenal.

so basically, things are looking up again. last year was HORRIBLE. well, it's not like nothing good at all happened... i had a lot of good times and good things happen. but overall, it didn't really go how i wanted it to. and it's weird because it's already almost the end of january. that always seems to happen after we celebrate new year's. january is just so small compared to everything else. i suppose it's because it's the very first.

anyway, enough calendar talk. i'm going to hang my hammock up in the house somewhere. maybe if we have a room with a bay window i'll put it there and let the sun warm me while i read or draw or play guitar. AND jennifer is like freakin 23 years old. not that i want to drink constantly, but when we're living together it won't ever be an issue. and i want LOTS of plants. my mom has an ivy that starts in a pot on top of the cabinets and nearly goes around the entire perimeter of our kitchen. it's pretty badass, and i want to do it too. i want a tomato garden in the yard. fresh tomatoes are so delicious. no pesticides! :D

brit wants to get a trampoline in the back yard... but she can only jump on it by herself. it makes her nervous when other people get on. so now i'm just thinking about coming home from work one day and being all frazzled and then looking through the kitchen window out into the backyard and seeing brittany jumping on the trampoline all by herself with *nsync playing from a boom box. that would either make or ruin my day. i'm not really sure which one.

pet deposits are OUTRAGEOUS. it's like $600 or more for each pet. i want a cat so bad it hurts but marlie is allergic to them. i'm thinking maybe i could have an "outside" cat and no one would know. brit wants a french bulldog and to name him houdini. i think that would be pretty cute. i love french bulldogs. they snort :)

enough about how wonderful everything is.

my mom called me today really upset. for the past two years she's been taking classes to get enough credits to be accepted into the nursing program at UT. she just found out that the school she went to in ohio for her associates went on some quarterly thing so that in texas she has like 3.2 english credits when she needs 4. eight tenths of a fucking credit and they won't give it to her! so she either has to take 4 more classes (english, psychology, sociology, and something else) or find a nursing program online that goes on the same quarterly scale. i feel so bad for her. she told me someone ate her sandwich from murphy's today too. i think she was crying on the phone. i thought it was kind of endearing how she called me though. i was like, "it's ok mom, calm down. you don't have to go to best medical school. anything will do for you to just get the degree. you have enough nursing experience that it doesn't matter." poor thing.

this is a lot. thank you for reading all of this if you did haha

EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

is it possible to pretend someone doesn't exist if they're the glue holding you together?

i've been lied to. and it hurts.

"so this is the new year, and i don't feel any different"

hooray for 2008.

i started this entry on new year's but for lack of stable internet connection, i could not post. so i just deleted most everything and am starting over.

granted, i'm still somewhat in the same state of mind as that night. i babysat emily today. it was a little rough. she's begun to form an attitude and likes to sort of grunt at me when i'm not doing what she wants. it's sort of cute, but more annoying. i'm meeting clare and her mom tomorrow at the halfway point between houston and san antonio to pick clare up. she'll be spending a couple days with me which i'm thankful for. i haven't seen her since this summer... and that's too long. i've missed her but i'm scared that the time we've spent apart will dress us both in a layer of awkwardness. i mean, she does have a brand new girlfriend now. that's always strange. i'm hoping that if anything her company will make the time go by quicker. i just want to go back to denton. i miss my friends, i miss the freedom, fuck, i miss brit. since i've gotten back from kentucky i haven't spent very much time with her. she's the egg to my nog.

laundry's ready for the dryer.

my father's parents practically raised my brother and i. we were over there nearly every weekend when i was in elementary school. now i can barely speak to my grandmother without feeling condescending and like i'm on the brink of insanity. she thinks she knows what's best for me but really, she's an old backwoods woman from kentucky who just doesn't know what she's talking about. i love her and my grandfather more than anything, but i can't visit them without getting frustrated. i'm different from the 6-year-old that ran around in... well nothing but a handkerchief. i'm not "mogli" anymore. i've grown up. i know who i am, for the most part. and they don't. that's what frustrates me the most i think. brian's parents got me knee-high tinkerbell and hot pink fuzzy socks for christmas. when they first knew me i had black hair and wore nothing BUT black. i was a little goth kid. what would make them think i wanted fucking tinkerbell socks?

i appreciate gifts. but i don't appreciate feeling like i'm being insulted with the choice of gift. does that make sense?

i'm fairly certain i won't be coming back home (kentucky) for a while. i suppose i'm old enough now to really see who the people are in my family. i can't stand the speed everyone moves at here, the town and all. i'm frustrated with my dad's mom, i'm frustrated with my brother, frustrated that i can't even send my dad a fucking christmas card because he hasn't called his parents in eight weeks. i want to be home. no, i want to be in denton and away from everything that's making my head hurt. emily has made me feel better for the majority of this trip but on the four hour drive to my aunt's house in somerset today i had to keep her occupied for 75% of it. and of course everyone is in the same room as me right (i thought i had escaped!!) and are all talking very loudly. i hate to look like the angst-y teenager who hates family time and insists on being locked up in her room all day but jesus christ, this is torture.
this hasn't made me feel better. i know exactly who i need to call.

on a lighter note, my uncle billy is making burritos for dinner tonight. that's always exciting.

my brother's court date was reset for january 17th. i'm glad that i won't be in town to go to that one because the court house is the saddest place i've ever been to. i could see guilt all over these kids' faces but then i looked at my brother and just didn't think he should've been there. the insurance company that owns the empty house next to us is suing my mother for $77,000 for the damage expenses. there's no way the fire caused that much damage but we'll see about that in court. mom has to get another lawyer since this is a civil lawsuit and that is higher up than what the current lawyer does. she's a bitch, by the way. she made me take my lip ring out before we went into the courtroom and told me to cover up any tattoos i had as well. on top of that, after she told us we could go she asked mom and brian if they needed slips for work, if david needed a slip for school and if i needed a slip for school. no, ma'am, i'm his sister, visiting from college, did you not hear? david's probation officer reminded me of erin brockovich. only because she was trashed rather trashy. she also treated me like an idiot, which was awesome.
i believe that emily is the glue holding this entire family together. her laughter is audible medicine. just looking at her makes me think that maybe, just maybe, we'll all make it out alive. it's hard being home when everyone that lives in this house--with the exception of emily--is under so much stress and is spiraling into a deep depression, including myself. i am like my mother though. we both need to cry for a couple nights, break down, and then we're fine the next day.

i really am fine though. i'm working at brookstone for the break. my friend dennis is the manager so i didn't have to be interviewed or anything. i just sort of showed up. it sucks though because i haven't had a normal job in quite some time so my feet aren't used to it. last night i was hurting from my knees down. i'll have to pick up some insoles.




= happiness

darren enlisted in the army. he leaves january ninth for georgia to begin boot camp. he won't be back until april. i couldn't be more angry with him. it's what he wants, despite his infectious charisma, intelligence, and creativity. i just don't get it. i don't talk to him much anymore. i miss my friend.
i'm about 95% sure i'm going to new york in january with jennifer, brit, and tess. tess's aunt has a brownstone apartment in manhatten that she said tess could invite friends to whenever she pleases. i might buy my plane ticket this week if the apartment works out.
i got a canon rebel on monday and am in love with photography again. in love with art again.
i went on a date with tess tonight. i qualify it as a date... i mean i picked her up and paid for the meal. actually, i really don't want to write about it anymore.
i'm pretty sure there isn't a girl in denton for me. but i dunno, the not so sureness might prevail.
i do way too much and care way too much about what i do for certain people and i just know that right now i'm turning over tonight's events in my head over and over again and she's probably dreaming already. i know i wasn't the last thought in her head as it laid on her pillow.
rachel came over and we made christmas... crafts. it was fun. i wish i wasn't leaving in a week so i could do things like that more often with nice people.

but really? i just want to go home and be alone for a few days except for emily, mom, and my kitties.

every time i see her i want to fall to my knees.

i drew a portrait today. and although it's not very good, it felt good to do something artistic. i want to make a movie here pretty soon and photograph my new habit. well, not really a habit. more like a passing glance. it's funny how shit works out. women are mysterious creatures. some of them anyway.
i had the best birthday ever. i spent the first couple of hours of it with a beautiful girl who finally opened up to me and gave me a wonderful gift. gifts. i await more.
the party was amazing and i think everyone had a good time which makes it better for me. i saw most everyone i wanted to and got plenty of hilarious pictures taken.
"i feel good all over"
i hope wednesday works out.

october is the best month of the year. hands down.